"Oops, there went my life" or The Effects of Losing My Support Tablet

The dependence on technology is growing, for people everywhere.  This is particularly true for me, as it turns out.  I mentioned it previously, but my tablet, upon which I depend for quite a number of things, is once again broken.

I described a situation similar to this previously, about a year ago.  If you don't want to read the whole thing, basically: my tablet contains my library, calendar, phone, email, music, camera, pictures, GPS navigation, news...  All in one convenient device.  Which is now broken and unusable.  What I didn't describe back then is how it specifically effected my life, mood, and organization.  So I thought it might be useful for document that.  Needless to say, I will be complaining.  I hope it's useful complaining.

1. My Organizational Skills Have Gotten Even Worse

Flying crispy cheese on a popsicle stick.  I am immensely lucky these last couple weeks have been atypical and I haven't had lots of events to get to.  I can't even remember the normally scheduled events.  I have a chiropractor appointment in half an hour and I'm having to constantly remind myself of that fact or I will literally not make it there.  

Planning events with friends is out entirely.  Unless someone gets a message to me that they would like to see me right this instant, and I have the time available, it's not happening.  Not that I really feel like hanging out with other people right now anyway, but the fact that it really isn't even an option is kind of bad news for my status as a human being with a life.  

My organizational skills were already terrible.  In college, I was never late to appointments.  You could count on me to be there for meetups, assignments, classes, etc.  Since graduating and then not really doing well in formal jobs, my organizational skills have slipped.  I think I've accidentally stood one particular (thankfully patient and gracious) friend up three times in the last year.  This makes me feel like a terrible human being, and could have been avoided with better planning around my calendar. 

To try and prevent similar occurrences, I'd recently added notifications to my tablet so it'll make a noise to alert me well before I need to leave to meet friends or go to appointments.  Except now, obviously, my tablet doesn't work, so I'm back to praying I'll remember.  I'm down to clinging to my desktop computer, which also has my calendar on it.  If my desktop was to die, I'd be SOL and presumably never remember any appointments ever again.  

2. My Frustration Level is Very High and Isn't Dropping

I don't talk a lot about this, but I have a temper.  Apparently I inherited it from my dad's side, if the descriptions of my family members are to be believed.  There are several family members on that side that might be politely called "feisty."  Naturally that does not mean I'm not responsible for my actions, it just means I'm predisposed to be angry moreso than most folks.  

The way disabled people and black people are treated makes me angry.  The way the system props up the superrich and stomps down the poor when it's supposed to help the poor stop being poor, makes me angry.  The election, which is now between the Competent-Woman-of-the-Corrupted-System-Hillary and the Too-Many-Things-Wrong-to-List Trump makes me scared and angry.  

You get the idea.  A lot of things that are unjust in the world make me angry.  I think most "normal" people generally ignore stuff like that unless it's in their faces / relevant at the current moment.  I generally chew on stuff like that a lot longer than most folks, as far as I can tell.  

But it's not even weighty matters that are being a problem.  Every time I want to look up my appointments, or see where the nearest UPS is, or check the weather for the weekend, or read a book in my library in bed, and can't... I get frustrated.  Not near as frustrated as, say, people being unable to pull themselves out of poverty, or ISIS making Muslims' lives a living nightmare.  But a little frustrated.  Because I used to be able to look up that nugget of information and have it available at my fingertips.  I used to be able to walk out the door, confident that even though I've never been to a place, I would find it without much problem.  

These are, I think, fair things to be frustrated about.  Not a lot frustrated, but a little frustrated.  But then they build up.  So now I have big frustrations and a heaping pile of little frustrations.  And let me tell you, it is making me very short tempered.  So far I'm mostly keeping the worst aspects of high frustration in check- the desire to break things or hurt myself.  But it's hard, and it's exhausting.

3. My Mental and Physical Health is Declining

I mentioned already that I'm not really seeing friends much.  This is, by human standards, not a good thing.  We're a social species, by and large.  I'm a lot less social than your average human, but I still do better with a certain amount of Other People That Are Nice in my life.  That really hasn't been happening.  I think the last time I actually went out to do stuff with friends, in a group, was around the beginning of this month.  We can blame some of this on the passing of my grandmother, naturally, and other environmental and situational factors, but not all of it. I am not, as it happens, particularly interested in going to see my friends.  This is because my mood is very low and my anxiety is very high.  

Pretty much all of my friends, including my fiancee, are playing the game Pokemon GO.  The premise is that there are these fantastic monsters (Pokemon) that you can catch, tame, and be friends with.  You have to go out and find them, using your phone or tablet's data.  You can't play without that.  Along the way, you explore your area and stop at art installations, historical sites, and other places of note in order to pick up items to help you find and catch Pokemon.  I got to play and enjoy this game when I first went to Detroit for my grandmother's passing.  I was sick, and I went for a two mile walk despite that because I liked the game so much.  I literally prolonged my own illness to play the game. Twice.  

So now I can't play it because my tablet is broken.  There are literal thousands of people in my city that are playing, making events, bonding, meeting new people, having a great time, and I can't join them.  My fiancee, who initially resisted the game and its exercise focus, is now playing without me.  There are whole Facebook groups I'm following actively making plans, designing Tshirts, getting involved with their local pet shelters (play Pokemon GO and walk some dogs while you're at it!), and all sorts of other things... and I'm left out.  Because I can't play.  

Makes a person a mite alone and depressed.  

My anxiety is up.  Without my calendar within easy access and giving me reminders, I constantly worry about missing my appointments.  I stay closely tethered to my computer, which is now my only calendar, and my only phone.  This means I do not get exercise.  Exercise which would otherwise be burning off some of the energy I would use being anxious.  Never mind how important exercise is to a healthy human being. 

I mostly notice the anxiety in that I'm avoiding getting things done.  I could be hand writing addresses on envelopes for my wedding invitations, or writing more blog entries, or making food, or any number of other useful things.  But mostly I've been lying around, or playing computer games.  Which isn't helping at all with my depression.  

Also keeping me from wanting to be outside amongst other people, my sound sensitivity has flared up with a vengeance.  Some days are worse than others, but in the last few weeks, pretty much any sharp noise has been concentration-shattering at best, excruciatingly painful at worst.  And adult life is full of sharp and loud noises.  One of the cars around here, owned by a neighbor, has a squeaky belt.  Every time the car starts up, I wince as the belt shrieks for a few seconds.  If you add children (happy or otherwise), squeaky brakes, styrofoam, doors that need WD-40,  and other high pitched aspects of life, you wind up not wanting to leave your nice, quiet, safe house. 

I mentioned prolonging my illness already.  I usually don't have colds that last 3+ weeks, but this one seems to be.  Or it's bronchitis, I guess.  My LENS-doctor informs me that colds can last that long.  She says I'm probably fine so long as I continue to improve.  If my progress plateaus or worsens, I should get off my butt and go see my primary care practitioner.  I really don't want to do that, so I hope I finish getting better soon.  

Also in physical health, I am not eating well.  Normally I need a good balance of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, proteins, etc, to have an optimally-functioning mind and body.  Unfortunately, when things start to fall apart, I stop having the energy and motivation to cook and eat complex foods like that.  So my diet goes back to sugary and white-floury.  Which in turn reduces my energy and brain function, which leads to less energy... it's a lovely downward spiral.

Okay, So What Are You Doing About All This?

This would be a really depressing (and let's face it, not terribly useful) entry if I ended it here.  I mean, certainly, someday all of this will let up.  So I could.  But that kind of skips out on some of the important information, such as coping techniques other folks might be able to use or adapt to their own situations.  

First, regardless of how terrible I feel, I still have obligations.  This blog is one.  My doctor's appointments, chiropractic appointments, etc, are others.  I do not see these obligations as optional.  I put those on my calendar, which for me is basically saying I will go to those things or else.  So rather than staying inside all the time, I do leave.  I try to put appointments together so I have to leave less, but I'll go grocery shopping or drop off mail or whatever other errands I need to do.  These insure I don't lead an entirely isolated life. 

Second, while flexibility is a major factor in determining how well an autistic person survives in the world, routine is very comforting.  I am adhering to my routines as best I can, which somewhat includes those appointments mentioned above.  While I don't have set relaxation routines, there are certain webcomics, books, and music that are still available to me, albeit not as easily.  I'm making use of those to try to limit the badness of the situation. 

Third, I have the help of my fiancee.  His patience is limited, but he's a good man and he is trying to help me through this.  He's making efforts to make sure I feel loved and appreciated, and while my depression is undermining those efforts, the fact that he's still trying is not lost on me.  These things for him include driving me places without complaining (he hates driving.  Hates hates hates), giving me lots of hugs, and trying to do things together even when I'm not at all pleasant to be around. 

Fourth, even under all the pressure, I am still making a point of taking my supplements and trying to eat healthier.  Chris is helping somewhat, since if we follow schedule he cooks two days a week, and I cook another two.  These things together will help in making sure I don't end up at true rock bottom, eating only crap and losing all the fine progress I've made with fixing the vitamin deficiencies in my blood.

Fifth, despite absolutely hating using the phone, I have managed to get my tablet sent in to its maker for repairs.  Since the local shop was unable to fix it, the maker ought to be able to.  This was unfortunately not as simple as driving to a nearby location, as they have only five locations.  The closest of which was in New York City, I think.  So at least 9 hours' drive.  Into a place I would like to never ever drive in.  So I had to call them and arrange with several people who don't speak English as their first language to get a shipping label sent to me, put the tablet securely in a box with padding, and send it off via USP.  I have no idea how long it will take them to repair the device, but at this point, it is in the mail and I can track its status.  This restores a small modicum of control and hope to my life regarding the tablet, which let me tell you, is vastly preferable to being hopeless and powerless.

Sixth, the phrase, "Never put all your eggs in one basket," is highly applicable here.  I checked into the costs of adding a second device, such as a tablet or a phone, onto my plan.  They are... absurd.  Less, somewhat, than getting an entirely new phone, but absurd all the same.  That said, if your particular situation allows it, or you already have a special family plan and adding another device isn't an issue... it would be wise to have a backup device already available for around the house.  I'm using Chris' old iPad, but naturally I can't have most of my apps because my old device was Android and this is iOS.  It's like Mac and Windows, they're not friends and don't talk to each other.  I'm not entirely out of options; it seems I might be able to pull the SIM card (the thing that connects it to Verizon, the carrier) and put it in another device, like a cheap Android phone, and it might work.  If so, I merely need to find a suitable phone.  Let's hope. 

Lastly, the saying, "This too shall pass" is applicable.  I have already weathered various hard times in my life, and the knowledge that I got through them gives me hope that I will get through this too.  It may not be quick or easy, but nothing, good or bad, lasts forever.  I'll be okay.