Worth Your Read: Saying "I Love You" Autistically

http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/2020/11/recognizing-how-autistic-children.html

It's strange, that in a world so full of different and diverse people, it can be so difficult to accept that others express simple sentiments like, "I love you" differently than you personally do.  

No human, myself included, seems immune to this fallacious assumption.  This author, Ann, has written a very short list of nonstandard ways autistic people might express love, which I'd urge you to look over.  See if you can find one or two you personally display, or your loved one does.  

Having read the list myself, I would honestly say that I feel each of the four examples given actually falls within the "Five Love Languages" categories... it's just that they're so non-standard that they're not even recognized as such.  

The second situation, for example, with the autistic person downloading and presenting information they value to the loved one.  That's a form of the fourth love language, quality time together.  It's initiating that quality time, and ideally, the loved one shares in that enthusiasm and interest. Maybe not to the same extent the autistic person does,  but enough that the "togetherness" aspect is fulfilled.  

This behavior actually isn't specific to autism.  Requests for attention and a shared experience can be as simple as "oh honey, look at that bird outside" or "did you see what happened in the news today?"  Or they can be as large as "let's go see a movie together" or "want to start a new TV show on Netflix?"  It's the method of the request, not the actual category, that people don't seem to understand.  

The first and third situations are simply iterations of the golden rule: "treat others the way you want to be treated."  Alas, the golden rule is far too simple when it comes to neurodiversity and the broadness of human experience.  A better version (that is harder to teach to small children) incorporates doing your best to treat the person well by their own standards.  

Most neurotypical people, naturally, have no particular issue with regular eye contact or small talk, and may even cherish these things as emotional "togetherness" signs.  So avoiding them is not received as the love it's meant to be, but as the opposite.  

Something the article didn't mention is that it's not unusual for an autistic person to say "I love you" once, and then never again, contentedly assuming their loved one knows this still applies because it's been said and not recanted.  Unfortunately, neurotypical people tend to require repetition to believe it.  Especially after an argument or upsetting event.  So this is another example of a miscommunication between autistic and neurotypical people.  

I can't remember, offhand, how affectionate I was as a child.  I would guess "not very" especially after I became a teenager.  I don't feel I was a very warm person, despite my strong sense of justice, fairness, and fiery temper.  That's changed somewhat since I've been doing LENS and more traditional therapy, at least I think it has.  I feel more able to empathize and express concern for others in ways they receive.  

It's still difficult, mind.  The way people receive love and the way I tend to express it don't often match up.  I do okay with listening to people, since pretty much everyone likes to really be listened to with 100% of the listener's attention.  My brain doesn't typically give me a choice about the 100% attention thing, which comes in handy sometimes.  After that, though, it gets sticky.  

It's of some comfort to me that the Five Love Languages book and associated theory exists because neurotypical people don't get this right on a regular basis, too.  It feels to me like it's still somewhat well known in therapeutic circles, but less so in common knowledge now that it's not the latest hot trend.  

The last thing to say here is that yes, your child loves you.  Maybe they aren't expressing it in a way you receive, like the examples in this article.  Maybe they're suffering so much from medical issues like chronic pain or epilepsy that they can barely express their love.  But please, please don't convince yourself your child doesn't love you.  Listen to us.  Become curious about how we think and why we do the things we do.  I guarantee we'll make more sense if you do.