A couple days ago I got so worn out from stress and people that I stopped talking. Literally just stopped. I perplexed my poor boyfriend when I wouldn't comment on things, or answer complicated questions. I was just so tired of words.
The day started pretty normally, but work was exhausting. Affter work I went home and tried to recoup my sanity, but then I had to go back to work for training. Mostly training on autism. The presenter did a good job, and the presentation was mostly on theories as to what causes autism, and the history of the workplace, and that sort of thing. So less telling me what I already knew and could have lectured on, and more useful information from the clinical and research side of things. But by the time it was done, I was exhausted within an inch of my remaining sanity.
I got home and realized I needed to go shopping. I made a list of what I needed, but Chris (my boyfriend) wanted to finish what he was doing before we went. And that was the point that my brain just gave up. I remembered the presenter at the lecture talking about how one of the problems with autism is language. Like it's not as natural to people on the spectrum as it is to others. And maybe that was why I just stopped talking. I was silent all the way to the cheap restaurant we ate at. Silent in the restaurant, except when giving my order. The sound of my own voice surprised me, actually. It was like I'd forgotten I could speak. I hadn't really minded not speaking, except when it upset my boyfriend.
A lot of what we say in society is fluff. When I say please and thank you in situations, I try to mean them. I'm not sure most people do, but even when you mean those pleasantries, they're still fluff to most people. Expected and ignored unless they're not there at all. Going mute meant I didn't have to think about most of that fluff.
I spoke only when it was going to cause a problem not to. My order at the restaurant. When I bumped into someone. That sort of thing.
After an hour or so, I noticed the inside of my brain felt kind of quiet. Peaceful, even. That's unusual for me. I'm not sure what to do with this knowledge. It wasn't really the same effect as an anti-anxiety type thing. Maybe more like what meditation is supposed to do. I wouldn't know- I'm not very good at holding still and being quiet and in the moment. Especially not for 10 minutes straight.
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