Friday, May 22, 2015

Spoon Theory

Spoon Theory is a concept of limited energy.  The original story, which you need to read right now, deals with Lupus, a debilitating physical (but mostly invisible) disease.  With Lupus, your body's immune system can't tell healthy body cells from invading sicknesses, and attacks everything it can reach.  This causes an immense amount of pain and limits your movement and energy and a bundle of other things.  

The funny thing about Spoon Theory is that it applies to basically any disability.  Autism, for example.  I have a limited amount of energy with which to use on work, on leisure, on dealing with people in public or in private.  It's mainly people that exhaust me, and the systems those people make that I'm required to fit into.  If you stop and think about that, you probably won't be surprised.  I don't think like the people who made those systems, therefore fitting into them is difficult and stessful, therefore energy drain.  And dealing with people is even more complicated, because where systems have set rules, people rarely do.  A person's mood can entirely change how you need to speak to them to avoid making them upset.  Or more upset.  

I actually find Spoon Theory too simplistic.  The original example had a single spoon as the measure of energy needed to complete a task.  You started the day with a set number of spoons in your hands, and used one per regular activity until you ran out.  In the example, you knew how many spoons you started out with, and could thus plan accordingly.  I don't operate quite like that.

I start the day with spoons, like the example, but I also start with a blindfold and the sense that I have about half the spoons I'm supposed to.  I start the day already tired.  There are spoons in my hands, and I need to use them to do things like work, socializing, and commuting.  But instead of handing over a single spoon per activity, each thing may cost two spoons depending on how I'm feeling and how tired I am from the last few days.  

When I start running out of spoons, I'm still blindfolded.  I can tell I'm running out of spoons, but I can't tell how many spoons I have left or whether I'm going to make it home before I run out of energy and/or sanity.  In those situations, I do a lot of borrowing spoons from tomorrow.  Unfortunately that's not always enough, and every now and then I literally have to turn tail and leave as fast as I can.  That usually upsets people, because they don't know what happened and assume it's their fault.  Or worse, assume I was just being rude and contrary and should have given them warning.  Like I have some kind of gauge in my head that says, "you have five minutes to meltdown, make your excuses now."  Ridiculous.  

I spend most of my day thinking I'm nearly out of spoons and hoping I can just get through however many hours it is 'til I can go home, or just finish this project I have to do, or get this one thing figured out so I can try to relax.  When I have to stay at work, or finish that project, or figure out that one thing, I don't have time to try to gauge my remaining sanity/energy.  I'm too busy trying to do the thing and pretending I'm not running out of spoons, because if I focus on how I'm running out of spoons, I'll run out of spoons even faster AND the thing I need to do won't get done.  So of course when I run out of spoons it blindsides me.  I'm so busy trying to make a living or fit into a system or avoid hurting someone's feelings that I can't keep track of anything else.  

But of course it's my fault if I run out of spoons.  Naturally.  

I am presently very, very low on spoons.  

One of my jobs just cut my pay, which means I have less money for food, gas, and rent.  Ask statistics the number one reason for marital distress?  It's the finances.  Financial strain is really bad for sanity.  There go some spoons.  

The other job has just become a quagmire of stress.  I used to work four days a week, now I work five.  This is because my counterpart, the other administrative person, is leaving.  Effectively, I will be doing twice the work with minimal training, no help, and even less extra time to do it.  My boss will try to help, but literally everyone in the whole operation comes to him with their problems, regardless of what he's doing at the time.  I've already lost a day of my weekend, and I suspect I'll be losing more of my weekdays as soon as my counterpart actually does leave.  Even worse, it's audit season.  I did some preparatory work for it, and it's not nearly enough.  Even if my counterpart wasn't leaving, I'd still be overworked.  That's another handful of spoons.

Now add in LENS, where I have to watch my emotional state very carefully to detect any changes in my functioning, and try to make sure any fluctuations can be explained by the situation I'm in rather than LENS, or vice versa.  I felt ill yesterday after LENS, and still kind of do.  Is that because I had a lot of sugar that day and today, or did she poke something in my brain that's made me extra jittery?  I don't know, but if the therapy is going to work, I have to figure it out.  In the meantime, I need to not fly to pieces over it or tear into people, because it's not their fault.  More spoons gone.

Add in this blog, which I really want to succeed but often can't make myself write in.  Even when Chris goes to give me some quiet time, I often can't make myself write even when I have something to write about, because writing isn't relaxing, and video games are.  I need the relaxation to fuel my sanity, but if I don't write in the blog it takes away sanity one bit at a time... see what a fun energy-draining loop this is?  Wave sadly as a few more spoons flee.  

After all that, several events in my remaining weekend actually detract from my energy/sanity rather than restoring it.  And we can throw in family misunderstandings, diet and exercise imbalances, worries about my aging car...

In the end, it kind of feels like I start the day with one spoon, and engage in a tug of war over it all day until I can go home and isolate myself from some of the stress of my situation.  

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