I get calls at work from overwhelmed parents. Their kids are troublesome, at home and at school. Maybe they're even violent, verbally or physically. Why is that? Why are some kids, on or off the spectrum, so angry? I've been thinking about it, because I am also angry. I was troublesome as a child. I suspect there are a lot of different reasons. One of them may be this:
We were promised a fair and equal chance at school and life, and we experienced that that promise was a lie. Few school systems are equipped to handle all aspects of autism and related disabilities. A person on the spectrum may have to attend additional classes and do extra work while their peers go to recess or play at home. That's if they're lucky enough to have help at all. Unaided, the person may struggle over every homework assignment, dread dealing with their peers, and even fail out of school entirely. All this happens while the person's peers seem to effortlessly accomplish what's asked of them, like it's nothing. Can you see why someone might be frustrated? And dealing with that day after day, month after month, year after year? Kids might lack knowledge, but they're not stupid.
People on the spectrum can be particularly frustrated by inequalities like this. Because we lack the innate knowledge of informal rules, we cling to the formalized rules like lifelines in a stormy sea. Formalized rules are easy, simple, cleanly laid out in binders or corporate emails or handbooks. Informal rules are mushy, word of mouth, subtle things. Blink, or miss half a sentence in an overheard conversation, and now you're missing a vital piece of information about how a workplace or school operates. To make matters worse, the concept of informal rules isn't really taught to us. It's just assumed you'll learn. Is it any wonder then, that when a person on the spectrum completes an assignment according to the formal rules, only to get it back and be told it's wrong, that person gets frustrated? It's like the world expects us to be mind readers.
A couple months ago I started a new job. I've had enough experience with people that I didn't bother with the corporate handbook and its pretty black and white rules. I sat through the corporate training and did the required assignments, but didn't start internalizing the rules of my new job until I actually got there. I've learned that while people like having formal rules set down, in reality they often don't bother following them. Sometimes that's for good reasons, sometimes bad reasons, but I usually don't have time to sit in judgement of each system as I live in it. I'm too busy trying to adjust to it, and constantly updating my mental handbook of How Things Are Done.
This is not to say formal rules are never followed anywhere. It's generally more a tangled mishmash of formal and informal rules that govern any given environment. Knowing the formal rules can help you in understanding the environment and those parts of the system that fall under its governance. But I have yet to find a place where the formal rules are all you need to know. There's always at least one "and don't make a fresh pot of coffee until all the previous pot is gone," or "be sure to walk on this cleaning pad before leaving the warehouse" or "also, your otherwise non-janitorial position involves cleaning up yesterday's overripe diapers."
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