https://tellmevarric.tumblr.com/post/613906274411823104/ask-culture-and-guess-culture
My spouse ran across this concept from the Internet and shared it with me. It's been very helpful in improving our communication.
The linked thread is somewhat long (worth reading the full thing, though!), so I'll summarize as best I can.
There are two ways of making requests of others. Say we need to get from Home to Point B, don't have the money for rideshare, and don't have a car.
The first is throw caution to the wind and directly ask. You might call or text friends and family, saying, "Hey, could you give me a ride to Point B? My car's in the shop right now and I'm stuck. : (" This is Ask Culture, where you can ask for whatever, but you need to be ready to take No for an answer.
The second is to hint at people, and hope they'll volunteer what you need without you having to ask. It relies on shared expectations and values. So you might call or text family, and when they ask how you're doing, you might say, "oh, not great, my car's in the shop and I've got an appointment at Point B soon." This would clue the other person into your need, and, since they care about you, they might offer you a ride if they're able.
You have not directly asked, and so if they can't offer you a ride, they don't need to risk hurting or disappointing you by telling you no. Instead, they might say something like, "Oh, that sounds terrible. I wish I wasn't home alone watching over the kids- they've got the flu right now." The person has thusly let you know, by way of "why they can't give you a ride to Point B," that they are unwilling to give you a ride to Point B. This is Guess Culture.
Now, in the original Facebook post my spouse shared with me, someone opined that these two Cultures are equally valid.
You can probably see where I'm about to head here.
Hi, I'm autistic. One of these cultures is how I operate naturally, and one of them actively, pointedly, and directly disables me. Equally valid? Don't be ridiculous.
Guess culture is rife with literally everything I'm disadvantaged at: advanced theory of mind, reading body language, subtleties, talking around things rather than directly about them... All because people don't want to say no or be said no to? Holy forking shirtballs, people.
The world does not end if someone turns you down. It may be disappointing, and you may need to find another option, but. Seriously. Nor does the sky fall if you have to say no to someone. If it upsets you that much to do either of those things, you really need to find out why these very normal parts of life are so upsetting to you, and get to work on changing that and learning to be more open about your communication. Life involves No.
Another autistic in a different reposting of this thread said, "guess culture is to autistics as an ice-coated cobblestone beach is to wheelchair users." This is pretty well accurate. At least the beach can't help being what it is. People can choose how they communicate.
My spouse and I come from very different backgrounds when it comes to this. My family, I think, did a mix of Ask and Guess cultures, but because I am who I am, I default pretty heavily to Ask Culture. My spouse, on the other hand, comes from a pretty thoroughly Guess Culture background. Needless to say, communicating has been difficult at points.
The cycle is easy to describe.
I, being somewhat oblivious and exhausted at many points, miss the hints that he tries to give to clue me in that I should offer something. In turn, he becomes snappish or sad because I haven't offered the thing he's been cluing me in that he wants. At some point, an argument starts between us for some unrelated-but-valid reason. The issue escalates well beyond reasonability, and at some point I learn that my spouse is upset because he wanted me to offer this thing and I didn't.
I become even more frustrated because he didn't simply ASK for what he wanted, and he tells me he didn't ask because he didn't feel comfortable doing so. I tell him I can't read minds and that if he wants something he needs to ask for it, citing that I'm autistic. Both of us leave the discussion frustrated, hurt, and sad.
Thankfully for both my sanity and my marriage, my spouse is working on practicing Ask Culture. Because my spouse defaults to Guess Culture in times of stress, I am also working on recognizing the signs that I'm being Guess Culture'd at. I can then choose whether to ask straight out, "Are you Guess Culturing me for something?" or handle it in some other way.
I don't really appreciate having to put in the extra effort when I'm stretched thin as it is, but since I love my spouse, it's a price I'll pay. I'm hopeful that at some point I won't need to, though. Guess culture is neither kind, nor helpful, nor supportive for autistic people. It is rife with passive-aggression, misunderstandings, and chronic over-thinking. The only reason to learn to deal with it is because other people don't give you the option not to.
My spouse ran across this concept from the Internet and shared it with me. It's been very helpful in improving our communication.
The linked thread is somewhat long (worth reading the full thing, though!), so I'll summarize as best I can.
There are two ways of making requests of others. Say we need to get from Home to Point B, don't have the money for rideshare, and don't have a car.
The first is throw caution to the wind and directly ask. You might call or text friends and family, saying, "Hey, could you give me a ride to Point B? My car's in the shop right now and I'm stuck. : (" This is Ask Culture, where you can ask for whatever, but you need to be ready to take No for an answer.
The second is to hint at people, and hope they'll volunteer what you need without you having to ask. It relies on shared expectations and values. So you might call or text family, and when they ask how you're doing, you might say, "oh, not great, my car's in the shop and I've got an appointment at Point B soon." This would clue the other person into your need, and, since they care about you, they might offer you a ride if they're able.
You have not directly asked, and so if they can't offer you a ride, they don't need to risk hurting or disappointing you by telling you no. Instead, they might say something like, "Oh, that sounds terrible. I wish I wasn't home alone watching over the kids- they've got the flu right now." The person has thusly let you know, by way of "why they can't give you a ride to Point B," that they are unwilling to give you a ride to Point B. This is Guess Culture.
Now, in the original Facebook post my spouse shared with me, someone opined that these two Cultures are equally valid.
You can probably see where I'm about to head here.
Hi, I'm autistic. One of these cultures is how I operate naturally, and one of them actively, pointedly, and directly disables me. Equally valid? Don't be ridiculous.
Guess culture is rife with literally everything I'm disadvantaged at: advanced theory of mind, reading body language, subtleties, talking around things rather than directly about them... All because people don't want to say no or be said no to? Holy forking shirtballs, people.
The world does not end if someone turns you down. It may be disappointing, and you may need to find another option, but. Seriously. Nor does the sky fall if you have to say no to someone. If it upsets you that much to do either of those things, you really need to find out why these very normal parts of life are so upsetting to you, and get to work on changing that and learning to be more open about your communication. Life involves No.
Another autistic in a different reposting of this thread said, "guess culture is to autistics as an ice-coated cobblestone beach is to wheelchair users." This is pretty well accurate. At least the beach can't help being what it is. People can choose how they communicate.
My spouse and I come from very different backgrounds when it comes to this. My family, I think, did a mix of Ask and Guess cultures, but because I am who I am, I default pretty heavily to Ask Culture. My spouse, on the other hand, comes from a pretty thoroughly Guess Culture background. Needless to say, communicating has been difficult at points.
The cycle is easy to describe.
I, being somewhat oblivious and exhausted at many points, miss the hints that he tries to give to clue me in that I should offer something. In turn, he becomes snappish or sad because I haven't offered the thing he's been cluing me in that he wants. At some point, an argument starts between us for some unrelated-but-valid reason. The issue escalates well beyond reasonability, and at some point I learn that my spouse is upset because he wanted me to offer this thing and I didn't.
I become even more frustrated because he didn't simply ASK for what he wanted, and he tells me he didn't ask because he didn't feel comfortable doing so. I tell him I can't read minds and that if he wants something he needs to ask for it, citing that I'm autistic. Both of us leave the discussion frustrated, hurt, and sad.
Thankfully for both my sanity and my marriage, my spouse is working on practicing Ask Culture. Because my spouse defaults to Guess Culture in times of stress, I am also working on recognizing the signs that I'm being Guess Culture'd at. I can then choose whether to ask straight out, "Are you Guess Culturing me for something?" or handle it in some other way.
I don't really appreciate having to put in the extra effort when I'm stretched thin as it is, but since I love my spouse, it's a price I'll pay. I'm hopeful that at some point I won't need to, though. Guess culture is neither kind, nor helpful, nor supportive for autistic people. It is rife with passive-aggression, misunderstandings, and chronic over-thinking. The only reason to learn to deal with it is because other people don't give you the option not to.
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