Types of Stigma: Self-Stigma

Type 2: Self-Stigma

Self-stigma happens when an autistic person (or family member of an autistic person) internalizes public stigma.

Last week I gave some rather hideous examples of public stigma.  While some autistic people are resistant to a certain amount of the vile fearmongering lies spewed out by Autism Speaks and similar organizations, we still live in the same spaces as everyone else.  With sufficient repetition, we may begin to believe these venomous ideas.

A relateable example to start with: I have rather thoroughly internalized the idea that I will never be beautiful.  This was never told to me directly.   Instead, it was repeatedly shown to me.  The women on television, on the covers of magazines, and in real life who are usually considered beautiful or attractive are very thin.  Their hips are narrow, and they have little, if any, extra fat.  They are usually of average height.  Their complexions are (unrealistically) flawless.  They do not have bad hair days.

None of this is me.  It's literally not in my genetics to look like that.  It's not in most peoples' genetics to look like that.  The standards are intensely unfair and unrealistic, and poisonous to self-esteem.  In this particular case, fortunately, I don't give a crap about being beautiful, because I value other things much more highly.

A more direct example now: stimming.  Stimming, as I've pointed out recently, serves a purpose.  It helps the person regulate themselves or express emotions (positive and negative), which results in a happier, healthier person, and fewer meltdowns.  Pragmatically speaking, you would think everyone would be on board with this plan.  Fewer meltdowns and happier people is good, right?

But no, because it's "too weird," autistic people are taught (via ABA or simply others' reactions) that it's not okay to stim.  We're told this is bad behavior, and that we're bad for doing it.  We're told it makes others uncomfortable (because others' reactions and then their decisions after those reactions are somehow our problem).  Essentially, we're shamed for being ourselves.  Like the impossibly perfect celebrities on TV and the covers of magazines, this is repeated over and over.

There's also the ideas that autistic people are damaged, can't feel emotions, don't have empathy, or in some really special cases, that autism doesn't even exist.  There's an account here of a person's experience with a few of these ideas.  Thankfully for her and for all of us, she's resisting and calling out those toxic ideas.

But I can say from personal experience that some people do believe them.  I actually had a friend tell me that she'd believed for years that I had no empathy until I literally called it out as a stupid myth.  This was after I'd spent years literally living my empathy: sharing her trials, being there to listen when she was upset, even bringing small treats or activities for special occasions.

This friend is not stupid, by the way.  She's a very caring, intelligent, lively human, and I'm glad to be part of her life.  My anger and sadness about this revelation was balanced by the fact that she was brave enough to admit it to my face and face the consequences, and the fact that, even believing that garbage, she was still willing to befriend me when I'm not the easiest person to befriend.

My best guess is that she was told this thing, that autistic people don't have empathy, relatively young, by someone whose authority she trusted.  She therefore internalized it without question, and because massive errors in communication can look like a lack of empathy without context, it was reinforced at points.

If anyone didn't know?  Yes, I do have empathy, thank you.  Autistic people can be jarringly pragmatic, or not recognize a situation as one meriting a more sensitive response, but that's not a lack of empathy, it's a difference in how the person views a situation.  

Venomous ideas like this can destroy marriages and families.  They alienate us from our communities.  They also drive autistic people to suicide and increase suicidal thoughts.  Depression and anxiety are considered comorbid with autism, meaning that those mental illnesses are commonly found in higher rates in autistic people.  No surprise, given all these ideas we've partially or entirely internalized.

I'm 31 years old, having gotten my diagnosis over a decade ago, and I still half-believe I'm a broken sub-human, because I was never like everyone else.  Being myself was wrong: it got me bullied, rejected, and alienated.  I know, cognitively, that this internalized idea is wrong.  I fight it every day, while I balance "not weirding out the normies" with being myself.  Most days, I think sanity is winning.  But on bad days, it's harder to believe that I'm not the twisted, fundamentally broken, less-than-a-human people constantly imply or even outright say I am.

Generally we don't talk about self-stigma that much.  Usually the norm for polite conversation goes with you everywhere, so when someone asks you how you're doing, you do not say, "Well, I'm a little underrested due to family drama and I forgot to take my pills today, so everything's kind of an anxious haze, what about you?"  You lie, and you say, "Oh, fine."  You don't talk about how mental illness affects you and so many others, and you certainly don't address how you have personally been affected by the destructive lies about mental illness.  Possibly, you don't even think about it.

The Internet has allowed people the safety of anonymity, though.  People who do think about it and are suffering will sometimes put cries for help on places like Reddit, in the National Autistic Society's forums, and on personal blogs and social media.  These cries are often answered by autistic communities and outspoken autism activists.  Even with such ready support, it's hard to unlearn this kind of stigma.  You can't simply find a safe space where people truly believe neurodiversity is a positive thing.  Your own skull contains the poison.

Surrounding yourself with knowledgeable fellow-sufferers-and-fighters can help, though.  Here's a link to an excellent list of resources to help.

With time, support, and effort, Self-Stigma can be fought.  With care, it can be countered before it becomes a poisonous, self-destructive force inside a person.