I was going to write something cheerful today about my new (to me) car, because that panned out. Unfortunately, life intervened. It's 4:30am, and I've just given up on getting back to sleep. I went to bed at 9:30pm or so with a head full of dark and angry thoughts. I woke up at around 2am, when a noise roused me from the melatonin-daze. I opted to use the bathroom while I was awake, then went back to bed... and promptly couldn't sleep for a half hour. I got up, took my newly-fixed tablet (it has a blue light filter, so it's less disruptive to sleep) and went to the guest bedroom. I have a backlog of comics, so I figured I'd read those 'til I got sleepy. Except I didn't, all the way to 3:30am. It occurred to me that I might've gone to bed hungry, so I ate a small, nutritious snack around 4. Went back to bed and figured that would be that.
Nope. So here I am, still with a head full of dark thoughts, and it's three hours 'til Chris will be awake. About the same for any semblance of daylight. And unfortunately I do have things to do today, so hopefully the fact that I got maybe five hours of sleep doesn't destroy my chances of managing things...
Actually, maybe one of those things will be okay. I have a friend in England I'm rather fond of, and being a sweet person, he has requested we play video games together. He's having a rather hard time with life right now, and I kinda am too, so perhaps we can complain to each other while we game. The current things bothering me are perhaps something he could help with, since they're social in nature and he, like me, thinks deeply about things. He may have some insight I don't.
Social things is rather nondescript. I shouldn't point fingers or name names, as that's not terribly mature or really even conducive to problem solving, but the short is that I'm having trouble either being a friend or having friends, or both. Being too close to the problem, it's hard for me to say whether it's something I'm doing wrong, or something wrong being done to me.
Autistic people, as a rule, have more difficulty with making and keeping friends than most. So even though I should know better, I tend to automatically assume that if a friendship isn't working out, it's my fault. Perhaps I'm not being sensitive to their needs, or not being open enough, or welcoming, or entertaining. That is, I think, a somewhat fair concern for someone on the spectrum to have, since our skills have to be learned, rather than intuited. There are bound to be holes in that education. That's simply life. We learn as we make mistakes, get help figuring out those mistakes, and grow as people, but those same mistakes can end relationships.
So then I have to wonder: is it my fault? Or perhaps, "is it all my fault?" is more apt. I tend to assume yes. The alternative would be assuming it's all their fault (because the middle ground is harder to fathom) and these are people I like, after all. It would be uncharitable to assume they're simply being bad friends. Their lives, after all, are hardly paradise either. The thing is, that admonition rings a little hollow when those friends make time for other friends, but not for you. They don't call or email or send messages saying "hey let's do stuff." You do that for them, and get "yeah sure" or "eh, maybe another time" but there's no reciprocity. That's a breakdown in the process. It's the problem point- but not the problem. Like my sleep problems, there are a lot of factors that go into a good friendship, and if some of them, or even just one, are sufficiently out of whack, the whole thing starts stumbling.
I'm tempted to be direct and straightforward, and simply ask what's going on. But that's never worked out for me in situations like this. If I decide to give up on the whole thing, perhaps I will ask, just to see what they say. But in my experience, people simply aren't aware of that level of disharmony. When put on the spot, they flounder and make excuses and try to be polite. I don't need polite; I need honest. I'm likely to get a bunch of hooey about how things are stressful right now, and everything's in transit, and embarrassment about their lack of sensitivity, and none of that helps me patch the relationship or decide it's not worth it.
I suppose this has all come into light for me since I recently had a nice time with a couple other friends. People who actually act like friends. They're more social than I am by a good margin, but they make time for me and Chris. They actively consider how we might be feeling. They're genuinely interested in us, and we in them. That is, as I understand it, at least one definition of a good friendship. Certainly all friendships are going to differ, since there are so many kinds of people in the world. But it's not really a friendship if it's one-way, right?
I know the confident person response to a situation like this. It's to say, "well, if I'm not worth their time, they're not worth my time" and walk your talk. Stop being the one-way street. Find other friends. Fill the emptiness that comes with the passing of that friendship with new people. I know that; but it's harder to believe that's the best course of action. These are good people, with many good and admirable traits. True to my base nature, I guess, I tend to assume good people that make good friends to others like me can make good friends to me. That, clearly, is not the case. In addition, it's really hard for me to make new friends. I'm unusual. I have interests that don't line up to most of my peers. I'm quirky. It takes some getting used to, and some effort to accept those oddities. So far as I can tell, the people willing to put in that effort are few. In this busy society, full of overworked, underpaid, under-empowered, and under-rested people, summoning up the patience to befriend someone like me is less and less likely to happen.
I also know the traditional wisdom response to that. "Better few friends that are healthy for you than many that poison you." And perhaps another relevant bit of wisdom: "Don't make big life decisions while sleep deprived." Come daylight (it's 6am, still none of that to be found) I'll discuss this with my friend, and with Chris. Both of them will have different things to offer, and that will hopefully help me make a good decision. Not one made in the bitterness steeped over several years, on a morning that started far too early.
Sorry about the morose today. Happier things next week, like pictures of the new (to me) car. And the B vitamin supplement that isn't making me shriek in disgust every 3-5 minutes.
Nope. So here I am, still with a head full of dark thoughts, and it's three hours 'til Chris will be awake. About the same for any semblance of daylight. And unfortunately I do have things to do today, so hopefully the fact that I got maybe five hours of sleep doesn't destroy my chances of managing things...
Actually, maybe one of those things will be okay. I have a friend in England I'm rather fond of, and being a sweet person, he has requested we play video games together. He's having a rather hard time with life right now, and I kinda am too, so perhaps we can complain to each other while we game. The current things bothering me are perhaps something he could help with, since they're social in nature and he, like me, thinks deeply about things. He may have some insight I don't.
Social things is rather nondescript. I shouldn't point fingers or name names, as that's not terribly mature or really even conducive to problem solving, but the short is that I'm having trouble either being a friend or having friends, or both. Being too close to the problem, it's hard for me to say whether it's something I'm doing wrong, or something wrong being done to me.
Autistic people, as a rule, have more difficulty with making and keeping friends than most. So even though I should know better, I tend to automatically assume that if a friendship isn't working out, it's my fault. Perhaps I'm not being sensitive to their needs, or not being open enough, or welcoming, or entertaining. That is, I think, a somewhat fair concern for someone on the spectrum to have, since our skills have to be learned, rather than intuited. There are bound to be holes in that education. That's simply life. We learn as we make mistakes, get help figuring out those mistakes, and grow as people, but those same mistakes can end relationships.
So then I have to wonder: is it my fault? Or perhaps, "is it all my fault?" is more apt. I tend to assume yes. The alternative would be assuming it's all their fault (because the middle ground is harder to fathom) and these are people I like, after all. It would be uncharitable to assume they're simply being bad friends. Their lives, after all, are hardly paradise either. The thing is, that admonition rings a little hollow when those friends make time for other friends, but not for you. They don't call or email or send messages saying "hey let's do stuff." You do that for them, and get "yeah sure" or "eh, maybe another time" but there's no reciprocity. That's a breakdown in the process. It's the problem point- but not the problem. Like my sleep problems, there are a lot of factors that go into a good friendship, and if some of them, or even just one, are sufficiently out of whack, the whole thing starts stumbling.
I'm tempted to be direct and straightforward, and simply ask what's going on. But that's never worked out for me in situations like this. If I decide to give up on the whole thing, perhaps I will ask, just to see what they say. But in my experience, people simply aren't aware of that level of disharmony. When put on the spot, they flounder and make excuses and try to be polite. I don't need polite; I need honest. I'm likely to get a bunch of hooey about how things are stressful right now, and everything's in transit, and embarrassment about their lack of sensitivity, and none of that helps me patch the relationship or decide it's not worth it.
I suppose this has all come into light for me since I recently had a nice time with a couple other friends. People who actually act like friends. They're more social than I am by a good margin, but they make time for me and Chris. They actively consider how we might be feeling. They're genuinely interested in us, and we in them. That is, as I understand it, at least one definition of a good friendship. Certainly all friendships are going to differ, since there are so many kinds of people in the world. But it's not really a friendship if it's one-way, right?
I know the confident person response to a situation like this. It's to say, "well, if I'm not worth their time, they're not worth my time" and walk your talk. Stop being the one-way street. Find other friends. Fill the emptiness that comes with the passing of that friendship with new people. I know that; but it's harder to believe that's the best course of action. These are good people, with many good and admirable traits. True to my base nature, I guess, I tend to assume good people that make good friends to others like me can make good friends to me. That, clearly, is not the case. In addition, it's really hard for me to make new friends. I'm unusual. I have interests that don't line up to most of my peers. I'm quirky. It takes some getting used to, and some effort to accept those oddities. So far as I can tell, the people willing to put in that effort are few. In this busy society, full of overworked, underpaid, under-empowered, and under-rested people, summoning up the patience to befriend someone like me is less and less likely to happen.
I also know the traditional wisdom response to that. "Better few friends that are healthy for you than many that poison you." And perhaps another relevant bit of wisdom: "Don't make big life decisions while sleep deprived." Come daylight (it's 6am, still none of that to be found) I'll discuss this with my friend, and with Chris. Both of them will have different things to offer, and that will hopefully help me make a good decision. Not one made in the bitterness steeped over several years, on a morning that started far too early.
Sorry about the morose today. Happier things next week, like pictures of the new (to me) car. And the B vitamin supplement that isn't making me shriek in disgust every 3-5 minutes.
This post really resonates with me because I find myself in a very similar situation. In my case however the relationship is deeper in the past, my closest friend from college. He was the person in my life that was the most mentally grounded, had the most interpersonal skills, and was the person I could relate to on a deeper level (you'd be surprised how many guy friendships you rarely have serious conversations). We used to watch the Sunday morning political talk shows and joke about current events. I was even over his house sleeping on his couch the night of the 2000 Bush/Gore election that didn't get resolved for a long time (he voted for Nader). I wanted to marry the woman that was going after him. Of course others noticed the good things about him and as time wore on and his status increased (and mine decreased) he stopped returning e-mails.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that he was such a high caliber person and we had shared a lot of experiences together made it clear another relationship couldn't just be swapped in for this one (not to mention the fact that if you don't have a real job guy friends and dates generally shy away from you). The last time I e-mailed I tried being straightforward about how I felt bad him not writing me back and it did NOT end well (no reply). It should be noted that he is one of the most NT people to ever engage me. I believe he no longer contacts me because I am low status. That may not be the primary reason but that's the one I tend to latch on to because other people I have interacted with have shown the pattern of treating me like I'm invisible when there is too much of a status differential.
I obsess over this too much, especially when I do work from home that doesn't "count" as work to people with real jobs including him. I know him well enough to know if I wrote him about this his question would be, "why?". But why is not even a good question to ask because that makes the incorrect assumption that the deepest part of our being acts according to logical rules (it never did, we just think it should now because of being steeped in the enlightenment). There is something transcendent about our desire for relationships that will override other more seemingly sane parts of us.
I don't know how this could help your situation. I did obsess over another relationship like this one (that one being of my cousin) but that one had a happy ending--the relationship got renegotiated (not as close as it was but close enough) and I stopped obsessing over it. However this only happened because there was a third party involved (my cousin's sister who I was also close to). So maybe in your case you could use a go-between they are more familiar with to pass messages through. Not sure if that would help though, everyone's situation is so different. As my cousin who negotiated the relationship would say, "life is messy".