I have the tendency to think in negatives. I must not do this, people don't like that, I really want to but shouldn't think this, rather than: this is a good idea, I like this, people do this, etc. This is, unfortunately, a decades-long habit. When your primary focus is "not upsetting people" rather than "succeeding at life," I guess focusing on failures to avoid comes with the territory.
That kind of focus is not very helpful to living a fulfilling life, however. You end up living in dread of your next failure. In my case, the failure is not so much a possibility as an inevitability, which lends an extra dimension of unpleasant to life. So as an adult with a shred of hope for a better future, I'm attempting to change my habits one at a time. My more recent attempt at making positive strides is pointedly noting when I have succeeded at something.
For example, I recently amused a coworker while on my normally joyless daily trash pickup. I empty all the trash cans and diaper cans first thing in the morning, which is smelly and eventually heavy work. At the end of it, I have to haul the huge bag on my back to the dumpster. The only way I can manage it is by throwing it over my back, Santa Claus style, and trudging through the snow. It took exactly one iteration of this for me to start thinking of myself as the worst Santa Claus ever, but as I'm not precisely social, the joke is new to most of my coworkers. So on the way out a few days ago, I commented to the passing coworker, "Time to be the world's worst Santa Claus," as I picked up the full trash bag and slung it over my back. To my surprise, the reasonably weak jest made him laugh. So I followed up with, "Bad children get stinky diapers," and received another favorable response.
I'm not much of a joker, so this was reasonably pleasant. Normally I'd just be pleased for three seconds, then continue on my way. That day, I tromped out into the snow and pointedly made a note to myself that I was winning. Not only was that social encounter a success, I might have temporarily improved a coworker's day. So that's a win.
I might start saying it "hashtag winning" just to spend more time savoring my success. That may also have the side effect of making me sound like I think I'm ten years younger (ugh, no thanks), but I'll take it.
I'm hopeful that this idea, if I can make it stick, will be another tool in the fight against depression. I've been having a reoccurrence of my brain doing the "hey, remember when you failed miserably at <thing that happened 15 years ago>? Why don't you stew on that for a bit!" It's like watching the top 5,000 stupid failures of your life, but on shuffle and the TV turns on at random (but you can't look away and you still have to get up to turn the TV off). I'm sure psychology has a word for that concept, but if I was taught it, I forgot it. Basically, it's my brain's way of putting a little buzzkill into every day (or hour, depending on how bad it is).
No comments:
Post a Comment