http://www.thinkingautismguide.com/2019/08/forcing-friendships-doesnt-equal.html
This week's article is valuable for several reasons. First, it contains a valuable perspective from a black mother. Autism is often a "white male" condition, in that we often assume people who have it are those two things. The thing is, that is increasingly not the case. I'm female, and this mother and her son are black. These experiences are just as valid as that of the more visible, stereotypical autistic people. It's valuable to listen to these perspectives because it teaches us more about autism as well as broadening our understanding of what it means to be human.
The second reason is that this article talks about consent in terms that people may not consider them. Consent, broadly, is the idea that people should be allowed to give or deny permission for things relating to themselves. It was first brought up in terms of sex and sexual activities (ie: teach this and use it to identify and avoid rape). In very very brief, if freely given and enthusiastic consent for the sexual activity is not obtained from all parties, those activities are rape against the non-consenting people. Coercing, begging, or guilting a person into giving consent to an activity does not count as receiving consent.
The idea has since broadened to less intimate activities, including hugs and other forms of touch. There are people, myself included, who can react very poorly to sudden touches. This isn't just autistic people, anyone with touch sensitivities, or people who have suffered physical abuse, can be affected like this. Even touches that are seemingly harmless, like hugs or a hand on the arm or shoulder, can startle, upset, and even hurt the person. Because of that, it's wise not to assume a hug will be welcome, and instead ask whether you can hug the person. This is respectful of the person, their boundaries, and their bodily autonomy.
By the way, this idea of bodily autonomy extends to family interactions as well. Uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, even direct parents, may feel the need to express affection via hugs or other familiar touches. They may consider these touches their right, being family. I have to tell you, a touch doesn't stop hurting just because it's someone you love doing it. These well-meaning gestures of affection can come off as overwhelming, agonizing, selfish demands, and the autistic person may come to dread them. Respect your child's right to say no to these gestures, and help your relatives understand and respect this right as well.
This mother takes consent a step further. Although autistic people can have trouble with having and keeping friends, she considers it her son's choice whether to spend time with people or not. If her son wants to go to an event, she arranges for him to be there, and if he doesn't, she doesn't force him to go.
This seems like such a simple idea, and it's one that most adults take for granted. But as she points out, the parental hope of "normalizing" the autistic child can overwhelm any caution or respect for the child's boundaries. While it's true that practice with social skills is helpful for learning and growing those skills, forcing the practice can absolutely backfire.
Personally, I think if my parents pointedly left with me "normal children" expecting me to "become more normal," I would internalize two things:
1. My parents do not love me. They may say they do, but their eyes and hearts are fixed on some imaginary, non-autistic human being they think I should have been.
2. I am unacceptable the way I am. I must change who I am in order to be acceptable and worthy of love.
Needless to say, I hope, these are really not the messages you want to give your already-struggling autistic children. So please don't. Please follow this mother's advice: consider their wants and how they communicate. Teach consent and bodily autonomy. Respect their right to say "no" to things. This is how you keep your children safe.
This week's article is valuable for several reasons. First, it contains a valuable perspective from a black mother. Autism is often a "white male" condition, in that we often assume people who have it are those two things. The thing is, that is increasingly not the case. I'm female, and this mother and her son are black. These experiences are just as valid as that of the more visible, stereotypical autistic people. It's valuable to listen to these perspectives because it teaches us more about autism as well as broadening our understanding of what it means to be human.
The second reason is that this article talks about consent in terms that people may not consider them. Consent, broadly, is the idea that people should be allowed to give or deny permission for things relating to themselves. It was first brought up in terms of sex and sexual activities (ie: teach this and use it to identify and avoid rape). In very very brief, if freely given and enthusiastic consent for the sexual activity is not obtained from all parties, those activities are rape against the non-consenting people. Coercing, begging, or guilting a person into giving consent to an activity does not count as receiving consent.
The idea has since broadened to less intimate activities, including hugs and other forms of touch. There are people, myself included, who can react very poorly to sudden touches. This isn't just autistic people, anyone with touch sensitivities, or people who have suffered physical abuse, can be affected like this. Even touches that are seemingly harmless, like hugs or a hand on the arm or shoulder, can startle, upset, and even hurt the person. Because of that, it's wise not to assume a hug will be welcome, and instead ask whether you can hug the person. This is respectful of the person, their boundaries, and their bodily autonomy.
By the way, this idea of bodily autonomy extends to family interactions as well. Uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, even direct parents, may feel the need to express affection via hugs or other familiar touches. They may consider these touches their right, being family. I have to tell you, a touch doesn't stop hurting just because it's someone you love doing it. These well-meaning gestures of affection can come off as overwhelming, agonizing, selfish demands, and the autistic person may come to dread them. Respect your child's right to say no to these gestures, and help your relatives understand and respect this right as well.
This mother takes consent a step further. Although autistic people can have trouble with having and keeping friends, she considers it her son's choice whether to spend time with people or not. If her son wants to go to an event, she arranges for him to be there, and if he doesn't, she doesn't force him to go.
This seems like such a simple idea, and it's one that most adults take for granted. But as she points out, the parental hope of "normalizing" the autistic child can overwhelm any caution or respect for the child's boundaries. While it's true that practice with social skills is helpful for learning and growing those skills, forcing the practice can absolutely backfire.
Personally, I think if my parents pointedly left with me "normal children" expecting me to "become more normal," I would internalize two things:
1. My parents do not love me. They may say they do, but their eyes and hearts are fixed on some imaginary, non-autistic human being they think I should have been.
2. I am unacceptable the way I am. I must change who I am in order to be acceptable and worthy of love.
Needless to say, I hope, these are really not the messages you want to give your already-struggling autistic children. So please don't. Please follow this mother's advice: consider their wants and how they communicate. Teach consent and bodily autonomy. Respect their right to say "no" to things. This is how you keep your children safe.
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