This is Legwork and Life, where I track the legwork and opportunities in my career as an autistic advocate, and also describe parts of my adult autistic life, including my perspectives on everyday problems and situations.
Most of my energy this week was spent on negotiating the chores list with my spouse. These sorts of things are usually kind of trying, but Chris and I have fundamental disagreements on when one does chores and in what manner.
The way I grew up and learned these things, chores were something you did on your own time. They were assigned to you, and you took responsibility for doing them during the week. At the end of the week, all the chores should be done, and you had done your part to ensure a clean, livable household.
The way Chris learned these things, chores were something you did with your family. Nobody really liked doing chores, but they were necessary. So at some point, the family would get together and do all the things necessary to keep the house in good shape. It wasn't fun, but everyone suffered together, so that made it less unpleasant.
I have a marked preference for my family's version of chores, because everyone knows what they're responsible for and does it without there needing to be oversight or advanced multi-person planning. It teaches self-reliance and personal responsibility. Chris prefers his family's version, which emphasizes togetherness. The end result, when we first started splitting chores, was that I did all my chores on my own time, and he didn't do his, waiting 'til the non-existent together-chores time happened.
Needless to say, chores have been a point of conflict in our relationship. There were complicating factors, like the fact that historically, the women have been shoehorned into being the home-managers and doing most, if not all of the chores, even if they were better suited to other jobs. I deeply resent that inequality, and refuse to conform to it. The fact that I was born with female parts shouldn't dictate my life's path.
There was also the differences in availability. While he works from an office building, I work (mostly) at home and thus have more flexible hours. It also means that work effectively follows me everywhere, which can be draining. But I can negotiate my relaxation time, work time, and chores time with greater freedom than he can.
It took several iterations, but we did manage to cobble together a (very detailed) system that should work for us, and that we can both look at and say "yes, this is fair." It makes neither of us, y'know, happy. But that's a mark of a good compromise, or so I hear.
Most of my energy this week was spent on negotiating the chores list with my spouse. These sorts of things are usually kind of trying, but Chris and I have fundamental disagreements on when one does chores and in what manner.
The way I grew up and learned these things, chores were something you did on your own time. They were assigned to you, and you took responsibility for doing them during the week. At the end of the week, all the chores should be done, and you had done your part to ensure a clean, livable household.
The way Chris learned these things, chores were something you did with your family. Nobody really liked doing chores, but they were necessary. So at some point, the family would get together and do all the things necessary to keep the house in good shape. It wasn't fun, but everyone suffered together, so that made it less unpleasant.
I have a marked preference for my family's version of chores, because everyone knows what they're responsible for and does it without there needing to be oversight or advanced multi-person planning. It teaches self-reliance and personal responsibility. Chris prefers his family's version, which emphasizes togetherness. The end result, when we first started splitting chores, was that I did all my chores on my own time, and he didn't do his, waiting 'til the non-existent together-chores time happened.
Needless to say, chores have been a point of conflict in our relationship. There were complicating factors, like the fact that historically, the women have been shoehorned into being the home-managers and doing most, if not all of the chores, even if they were better suited to other jobs. I deeply resent that inequality, and refuse to conform to it. The fact that I was born with female parts shouldn't dictate my life's path.
There was also the differences in availability. While he works from an office building, I work (mostly) at home and thus have more flexible hours. It also means that work effectively follows me everywhere, which can be draining. But I can negotiate my relaxation time, work time, and chores time with greater freedom than he can.
It took several iterations, but we did manage to cobble together a (very detailed) system that should work for us, and that we can both look at and say "yes, this is fair." It makes neither of us, y'know, happy. But that's a mark of a good compromise, or so I hear.
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