What's a Social Life, Anyway?

I turned 30 this year.  Societally, 30 is when you're supposed to have your life together.  That includes your social life as well as your professional life.  Since I'm autistic, the social life is the more crippling factor that contributes to the professional life's success or failure.  Autism is, after all, a social disability.  I simply don't think like most people, and didn't learn to socialize and act the same way most people do.

Autism, then, can make for a difficult time making friends, holding conversations, and managing social expectations.  In short, autism can make having a social life very difficult.

When I was a child, a stinging retort some children would throw at each other was, "Oh, get a life!"  Now that I'm 30, I started to wonder if I'd succeeded, and what exactly constitutes a social life.  A social life, I suppose, is the summary of a person's relationships with the people around them and with the general public.  So what's a good one look like?

Values

I expect the definition of a good social life varies based on who you ask.  Some people value achievement, and connections that advance their careers.  Some people value pleasure, and favor people that are entertaining to be around.  Others value social change, and make connections with minority groups, politicians, or nonprofit organizations.  Still others seek truth and understanding, and look for others that can help shed light on difficult questions.  And some value a particular hobby or profession, and seek people within their favored subjects.

I think most people tend to opt for a combination of these and other values, favoring some more strongly than others.

The relationships we seek decide which events we spend our time on. For example, a fancy dinner party for social climbers, a church's Bible study, or a choir or other interest group?

All of my examples so far have been groups you have to leave the house to attend, but you can also attend events virtually.  The online computer game I play with my spouse involves the two of us spending a couple hours per week with people from California, Pennsylvania, Louisiana, and other US states.  We all meet up at a scheduled time and play a very challenging piece of content in the game together.  Personally, I feel this is a legitimate use of my time, but I expect there's at least one person out there that feels that if you're not meeting people outside your house, it doesn't count.  That theoretical person and I will just have to disagree.

Needs

Then, too, you need to keep in mind how much social interaction you need, and how much you can take.  I, like most humans, have a certain level of minimum required social interaction in a week.  Less than that level, and I start to get lonely and sad.  My depression gets worse, and my anxiety ramps up.

But especially for introverts like myself, I think there's also a maximum level, after which I run out of energy and become unhappy.  If I go to events all the time, and fill up my schedule, I start to get crabby and short-tempered.  Then that starts leaking out on people that don't deserve it, and that's no good for anyone.  Instead, I have to set aside some time in my day to be alone.  That includes being away from my spouse, by the way, even though I love him very much.  I simply need alone time as part of my self-care. 

So a good social life balances your alone time and your social time.  You don't run out of energy, but also don't starve yourself for socialization.

It's a bit of a tricky balancing act, and I feel like most people don't really have to think about it.  I do, though, and it's not much fun.  The idea of limited energy has been posited before by someone much wiser than me.  If you're not familiar with Spoon Theory, I strongly suggest you click that link and read the short story that explains it.

Putting it Together

So, perhaps a broad definition of "a good social life" would be "a social life that meets your personal needs and values."  Which then begs the question: what are my needs and values? 

Personally, I think my need for social interaction is fairly low.  I'm fairly heavily introverted, and I spent much of my childhood without proper friends, only interacting with people when necessary.  A good book was a much better companion than another person.  Nor do I seem to benefit much from having the sound of human voices nearby (such as from a TV or podcast).  I've heard of people having those on while they're at home "for company," which struck me as kind of odd.  But either way, I'm fairly happy by myself, and rarely suffer the effects of under-socialization.

Over-socialization is a much larger problem for me.  I seem to have something like a daily ration of energy, as well as a weekly ration.  Exceed either one, and the effects linger.  Managing how much socialization is too much is definitely an art, not a science.  I can spend hours in my spouse's company and spend very little energy, for example.  Or for the same amount of energy, spend 10 minutes with a difficult stranger.  So what kind of people I spend time with matters, and what kinds of expectations are put on me also matter.  A fancy party where I have to dress up and make polite conversation costs a lot more energy than a small get-together at a friend's house where we'll be watching a favorite TV show and eating takeout. 

Values-wise, I seem to currently favor people that are interesting to be around or share similar interests to me, with social change and truth being secondary factors.  I should probably be prioritizing my career more highly, but that's exhausting and I tend to run up against my energy limitations. 

My regular week's events include:

• three "catch up with friends" events, 
• one "watch a TV show with friends" event,
• two "exercise with parents" events (one of which inevitably bleeds into lunch and chatting, and why shouldn't it?),
• one regular church service (where I sometimes run the sound board),
• one Bible study event,
• two regular guild meetups in World of Warcraft to play group content together.

Onto this list, there's also the monthly events, which include attending an autism parent support group, attending my condo association board meetings, and going to hang out with a group of autistic adults and play card games or visit local attractions.  (There's also this blog, which is my daily job, and household chores, of course.)

In the End

I spent a lot of my late 20s worrying that I wasn't doing a good enough job managing my life, and that I was becoming a shut-in.  And indeed, I do spend a lot of time indoors and in front of my computer.  But I think, looking at that list, that I'm probably doing okay by way of having a social life.  I suspect I spend more time on self-care than most people do, but when the world is so hostile to people like me, self-care is essential.  Also, my work and my play are mainly at my computer, so it kind of makes sense.  

Hopefully, as I age, I can continue to keep a good balance in my activities and energy levels.  Looking at my list, I feel like I should probably add in a weekly autism-related activity of some kind.  I'm not really sure what to add, though.  The local autism support group doesn't really need clerical help (I already asked), and I don't know what other help I could offer them.  I suppose I can ask the next time I see the chair of their board.  

Beyond that, I'm not really sure what else to look into.  But I expect that's merely because I haven't looked very hard.  Guess I should do that.